Battle of the Wings
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: A row between Duncan and Chef Hatchet over politics leads to the establishment of nine political parties although most of them are wacky. What craziness ensues? What chaos will Duncan and Chef descend themselves - and others - into? What wackiness will the seven other party leaders bring about? And how will Noah handle it all? Answers inside!
1. Where It All Began

**Because of my love for politics and **_**Total Drama**_**, I decided, "why not combine the two of them together?" This was the end result. Scott the Dick from **_**South Park**_** is also featured in this fic. You may want to use Google Translate for the lyrics because they are in Irish. Trust me: you'll laugh after translating them into English. Enjoy!**

**I don't own _Total Drama_. I'm only eighteen years old as of writing this fan fiction.**

* * *

Battle of the Wings

Where It All Began

* * *

It was after _Total Drama: Revenge of the Island_ when the contestants, Chef, Chris and somehow Josh, were sitting around the lobby area listening to the radio.

"_It won't be long now, when our beloved Canada gets invaded by wasteful immigrants that drain our taxpayers' money with their social welfare, force their Islamic beliefs down our Christian throats and demand that racial minorities get special privileges not gained by typical white Canadians!" _the presenter, Scott the Dick, blared from the radio. _"Soon there won't be a Canada anymore, eh! We'll have a dogs' dinner, just like the one they have in the United Kingdom, Republic of Ireland and France! All because we keep electing Liberals, Greens, New Democrats and Bloquistes to the House of Commons! Will this stop before it is too late?! The answer is YES! GET RID OF THE IMMIGRANTS!"_

Duncan rolled his eyes. He rose up from his chair and went over to the radio to change the station.

_"Díreach mar a bhí sí ar tí é a_

_Bend thar mar sin d'fhéadfadh mé_

_An bhfuil an taithí is fearr_

_De mo shaol, tá mé_

_Níorbh fhéidir a thuilleadh a shealbhú i_

_Mar sin mé in iúl thaisme sé amach!_

_Mé riamh a fuair fiú a fheiceáil sa bhosca!"_

Chef Hatchet rolled his eyes. He rose up from his chair and went over to the radio to change the station back to Scott the Dick's station.

"_Oh, I am just getting started, eh!"_ whined Scott the Dick. _"We're being used by the Irish for employment! We're being used by South Koreans to evade conscription! We're being used by gay couples living in countries without gay marriage to get married in vain! I ask myself: Eh! What's going on?! I tell you what's going on! Canada is being taken over by goddamn immigrants! If this keeps up, we won't have enough space for ourselves! Eh!"_

Duncan switched back to the other station.

_"Ní féidir liom cúram_

_Sin a ghluais mise gáis!_

_Tá sí madra baineann aon nós,_

_Mar sin, póg mo thóin!"_

Chef lunged for Duncan and pinned him against the wall. "YOU BLOODY COMMUNIST!" he bellowed.

"GODDAMN FASCIST!" Duncan roared back.

"Chris, do something!" Gwen begged, fearing for her boyfriend's safety. Chris rose up from his chair – but not before nudging Courtney off his lap – and broke up the feud between his co-host and the delinquent.

"Okay, as much as I love the drama, I cannot have you guys ripping each other to shreds," said Chris, sternly, "especially when the cameras are off. So I'm going to have you guys write up all of your political views on various issues and you may start political parties or whatever. But if I see you guys fighting with each other over politics again, I will make the both of you watch _The Disney Channel_ for half an hour."

Chef and Duncan glare at one another but nod their heads in agreement.

"Can I set up a political party as well?!" Trent eagerly asked.

"Fine," Chris groaned, having a bad feeling of what Trent is trying to achieve with this. "Anyone else interested in setting up a political party?" he demanded. Heather, Eva, Izzy, Blaineley and Scott rose up from their seats.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" groaned Chris. "Fine, be that way! If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room shagging Courtney," he added.

Courtney scowled. "Chris!" she snapped. "You're not supposed to say that in public!"

"Hey, you see Bridgette and Geoff shifting each other out in the open," Chris smirked. "In fact, Izzy's always riding people in public as well."

Courtney scowled and followed Chris to his room. She still loved him, though.

When both of them were gone, Mike turned to Noah and was like: "Hey, Noah, why aren't you setting up a party?"

"Obviously, we have enough political parties already," Noah replied. "We've already got the Conservatives, the Liberals, the Greens, the New Democratic Party and the Bloc Quebecois, and a few other small parties that honestly no one with a sizable IQ would give a damn about. I'm just going to vote for the party which has the most competent members." Mike shrugged.

"So what party names have you guys come up with?" Bridgette eagerly asked.

"Party of Democratic Revolution!" said Duncan.

"Canadian Action Party!" barked Chef.

"Female People's Alliance!" huffed Eva.

"The Heather Party!" boasted Heather.

"The Blaineley Party!" boasted Blaineley.

"Canadian National Front!" boasted Scott.

"The Ridiculous Democrats!" chirped Izzy.

"The Number Nine Party!" said Trent.

"There are only eight parties!" Harold corrected Trent. "GOSH! Curse your incapability to be politically correct! IDIOT!"

"Someone had better establish another party before my party is final!" Trent hissed. Suddenly, Courtney stuck her head out from the doorway.

"Canadian Republican Platform, because I believe Canada should exit the British Commonwealth and become a republic to satisfy the residents of Quebec!" Courtney barked, before returning to Chris's bedroom. Trent sighed in relieve.

"Okay, **now** the Number Nine Party has been officially established," he smiled. Noah rolled his eyes.

"Pathetic, isn't it?" Noah sneered. "Two parties are named after their egomaniacal founders and one is dedicated to the number 'nine'. I'm actually surprised Courtney didn't name a party after herself."

"Alright Turkey!" Eva snarled. "Which party would you be affiliated with?!"

"What are your positions?" Noah deadpanned.

"Women's rights," Eva replied.

"By women's rights, do you mean bringing about full gender equality among men, women, non-genders and whatever?" Noah questioned. "Or do you want to bring Canada back to the dark ages, except that women are in power and men have no legal standing whatsoever?"

"What do you think, you sexist asshole?!" snarled Eva. "When I come to power, I plan to take away the right of men to vote, serve in the military, be priests/rabbis/imams, have custody of children and run a company! Are you going to support me or what?!" she demanded.

"Personally, I'd rather vote for a Christian Democratic party despite being a bisexual Muslim who firmly believes in pluralism," Noah deadpanned. "But I'd never vote for such a party in a million years."

"That was more sexist than what Ezekiel said on Day One," Bridgette groaned.

"I can't believe you're siding with them!" Eva snarled.

"Who in their right mind would vote for you?" asked Zoey. "I'm a feminist, but I want gender equality, not special rights!"

"Who would vote for my party?" Eva screamed.

"NO ONE!" screamed every other girl.

"You know what?" said Eva. "Go get sex-change operations. Losers." Eva left the room, grunting about how stupid she thought the rest of the girls were.

"To be honest," said Noah, "I wouldn't vote for Heather or Blaineley's parties because they are run by egomaniacs, Trent's party because I don't have a favourite number or Izzy's party because I don't want Canada, or the rest of the world, descending into chaos."

"HEY!" barked Heather, Blaineley and Trent in unison.

"But if you vote for me," Izzy protested, "I will invade your native India so you can see your ancestors again! I also plan to take over Alaska, Western Australia, Northern Ireland, Basque Courtney, Catalonia, Scotland, Wales and the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus."

"My point exactly," Noah deadpanned. "I also don't trust Scott because Canada will become a dictatorship that will eventually invaded by the United States, and since Courtney will have Chris's support, I'm not going to throw my support for the Canadian Republican Platform. So basically, I'm tied between the Party of Democratic Revolution and the Canadian Action Party."

Duncan and Chef glared at one another again. "I'll have Noah's support!" Duncan hissed. "I support our national healthcare, legalising cannabis, allowing sixteen and seventeen year olds to vote and bringing down the drinking age to sixteen!"

"Oh yeah?!" Chef hissed back. "Well I support conscription, capital punishment, judicial corporal punishment, abolishing social welfare and the repatriation of illegal immigrants!"

"Are ya done using da radio?" Anne Maria interjected. "I wanna listen to The Wanted!" Duncan and Chef panicked. Chef grabbed the radio and held it in front of Duncan, who smashed the radio with a baseball bat. Anne Maria scowled. "Jerks!" she sneered, exiting the room.

* * *

**And so it begins! I'm not exactly sure how long this story will be, but I plan to have around four or five chapters, maybe even more. The next chapter for this story is possibly a few weeks away because of college and the fact that I'm working on five other stories.**

**FYI: I actually used Google Translate for the Irish-language lyrics. You see, I'm terrible at Irish to the point I've probably forgotten what these lyrics I just wrote mean… well I've got the gist of what they mean anyway. You can tell me what you thought of them in your reviews. Needless to say, I have more confidence in Google Translate for using the Irish language than I do in primary and secondary schools forcing pupils to study a language for thirteen years that most of them will forget most of the language while they're in college.**

**I have to go now and get ready for college tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much I enjoyed writing it.**

**Until next time!**


	2. The Power of the Poster

**As it turns out, I updated earlier than I expected. Don't over-excite yourselves; there's a chance I may not be able to update for a few weeks. But enjoy it anyway, and try not to develop insomnia in the process.**

**WARNING: QUITE A BIT OF RACISM OCCURS IN THIS CHAPTER! IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THIS KIND OF THING, SKIP TO THE BOTTOM OF THE CHAPTER AND I'LL EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT HAPPENED WITHOUT MAKING ANY REFERENCES TO THE RACISM!**

**BY THE WAY, THE POLITICAL VIEWS OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY DO NOT REFLECT MY OWN POLITICAL POSITIONS, WHICH I REFUSE TO SHARE WITH YOU GUYS. I ALSO MAY NOT BE FULLY AWARE OF CANADA'S POLITICS. IT'S JUST THE CHARACTERS BEING CONVENIENT FOR THE PLOT OF THIS STORY.**

* * *

Battle of the Wings

The Power of the Poster

* * *

Chris and Courtney held hands as they were walking down the corridor when they noticed a poster on the wall. It read:

"_Do you love our national healthcare?_

_Do you respect that some people cannot get a job?_

_Do you accept the fact that marijuana is good for you?_

_Do you want your children's voices heard?_

_Do you feel that our schools could be much better?_

_Do you want the occasional lap dance?_

_Vote for the Party of Democratic Revolution and we'll bring you all of that… something those right wing wankers are keeping from us!"_

Chris rolled his eyes. The Liberals, the Greens and the New Democrats shared most of these views. He turned to Courtney and said:

"And that's why I'm voting for you! Not just because of our relationship, but also because our monarch lives in a nation that airs our seasons two years after ours have been aired in Canada. Do they not realise that countless numbers of teenagers our watching our show on YouTube and we're not getting much money from that?"

"Yeah, and our relationship with Britain isn't so great anymore," Courtney agreed. "We get on better with Ireland since they have the Euro, like sixteen other European countries, and since there are so many Irish people living in Canada and further afield. We get on better with Australia and New Zealand since they are better for tourism. Hell, we even get on better with the States because they border us, and they've elected an idiot to power twice. The celebrities are the only reason why we still care about Britain."

"Not to mention: if we become a republic like Ireland, Singapore, South Africa and the States did, it'd be easier to keep Quebec," Chris added. "If Canada went to war, we'd have six million human sacrifices."

Courtney nodded. "Yep; Duncan's party said nothing about republicanism. And lap dancing? Is Duncan trying to appeal to desperate, promiscuous fools? Let's see what Chef has written – not that it'd be better than Duncan's shit." They went over to a poster that was conveniently put up right next to Duncan's poster. It read:

"_Are you sick and tired of those lazy Slavic Europeans, Arabs, travellers and Mexicans stealing your tax money because they are too lazy to get a job?_

_Are you sick and tired of clumsy retards and attention whores forcing you to pay for their own stupidity?_

_Are you sick and tired of couples from Britain, Israel, Ireland, and France and, of COURSE, the States, skipping the queues and taking your marriage licences?_

_Are you sick and tired of young people fucking up our streets because they have not been blessed with two years of military training?_

_Are you sick and tired of Muslims asking us to recognise Palestine?_

_Are you sick and tired of prisoners clogging up our prisons because we don't have the death penalty or judicial caning?_

_ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF LAZY VOTERS NOT VOTING, IDIOTS STICKING GUM UNDER TABLES, PEOPLE NOT FLUSHING TOILETS AFTER TAKING A SHIT, LIBERALS LETTING TREES HOG OUR LIVING SPACE, ANIMALS HAVING THE SAME RIGHTS AS US AND TRANNIES FUCKING UP GAYS AND STRAIGHTS?!_

_Well vote for the Canadian Action Party and all of your problems will be solved! Everyone wins! Except for the immigrants… but nobody with an ounce of sanity cares about them!"_

"Okay, I expected this kind of crap from Scott, but Chef?!" Chris said, bewildered.

"Scott's even worse," Courtney replied. "He wants to invade the States and the EU. He also wants all of the Jews and the Muslims to convert to Atheism and to ban Catholicism. The only reason Chef isn't like that is because he wants to get votes from Jews, Muslims and Catholics. We have a lot of work to do. Speaking of which, do you like my poster?" she asked, beckoning to a poster right next to Chef's. It read:

"_The Ultimate Solution!_

_Prove your patriotism; pull Canada out of the British Monarchy!_

_Reduce prison populations; legalise slavery!_

_Cut social welfare costs; conscript all of the unemployed!_

_Battle lung cancer; force everyone to buy cannabis instead!_

_Eradicate rape; castrate all of the sexual offenders and Catholic priests!_

_Give less fortunate young women a future; make them rent out their wombs to gay couples!_

_Full up the sperm backs; make all the genetically suitable men put masturbation to good use!_

_End the conflict between Quebec and the rest of Canada; make Irish the sole official federal language!_

_Vote for the Canadian Republican Platform, and we'll convince Northern Ireland and Alaska to be the eleventh and twelfth provinces of Canada. Vote for any other party, and we will find you and kill you!"_

"So what do you think?" Courtney asked.

"I like your ideas," Chris beamed. "We'll have a bigger population with your new commercial surrogacy laws and our kidnappings of Chinese orphans. We won't have to employ too many doctors and nurse. We'll even revive the Irish language before the Republic of Ireland does that and rub it in their faces. But how do we do that last one?" he asked.

"Easy," said Courtney, "we write heavy metal songs and hard-core rap songs with Irish lyrics which won't make much difference since we could hardly understand what metal-heads and rappers are saying half the time. We should also make shows that are like Happy Tree Friends were people pay more attention to the actions onscreen. That way, young people will learn Irish without even realising it and within a few generations Irish will be the world's most widely spoken language because of us and not because of the Irish Republic. The Irish people in the Republic of Ireland will be even more pissed off with their own government that there will be anarchy. Then multinational conglomerates will invest more in Canada and we'll become a major superpower."

"HA!" jeered Duncan. "Courtney likes my ideas more than yours!"

"SHUT UP, DUNCAN!" snarled Chef. "She still thinks your ideas are dumb!"

"Both of you shut up!" Chris interjected. "Now unless you want to watch every single episode of _Tool Academy_, which is a really terrible show, mind you, I'd suggest debating your shite elsewhere. Courtney and I are trying to make ourselves extra bob even though we have plenty of it by manipulating unsuspecting voters into voting for us."

Chef and Duncan glared at one another and gave each other the fingers before leaving Courtney and Chris to their own business.

* * *

Thanks to the internet, the political views of the contestants spread rapidly across Canada and the rest of the world. In fact, people in Alaska took back all of their anti-Canadian comments and started dissing the Americans – even though they are still technically American – and the Unionists and Nationalists in Northern Ireland joined forces to campaign to become part of Canada.

Although these were the policies of the Canadian Republican Platform, the two most popular parties were the Party of Democratic Revolution (AKA: the PDR) and the Canadian Action Party (AKA: the CAP). This ultimately led to a decline in support for the political parties that already existed. The PDR won support generally from young people; sexual minorities (except for overly masculine homosexual males); first, second and third generation immigrants (except for some of the East Asian ones); Muslims, Atheists and liberal observers of other religious movements; transsexuals; poor people; middle class people; residents of Quebec, New Brunswick, British Columbia and the territories; and people involved in the sex and drug trades.

The CAP, on the other hand, won support generally from the elderly; overly masculine homosexual males (unless they listen to rap or metal); conservative Christians and Orthodox Jews; the working class; greedy business people; residents of Alberta; and high-ranking military officials and their associates.

Noah rolled his eyes at this. But he realised he could make a ton of money from broadcasting the debates so he sent in a CV to CBC.

* * *

**Sorry that Duncan and Chef did not get much spotlight in this chapter, but you will be reading a lot about them in the next few chapters. For those of you who have been advised to skip to the end of this chapter in case the content offended you (which it probably did), Chris and Courtney made plans to acquire more land for Canada, Chef and Duncan's political parties gained quite a lot of public support and Noah decided to become a news reporter. That's all you need to know for the next chapter. And just a reminder that the opinions of the characters may not reflect my own outlook on life. If you think otherwise then you obviously cannot tell fact from fiction properly.**

**Until next time!**


	3. Debates Are Old News

**After going over my upcoming exams, I've discovered that my last exam will take place in the middle of May. Are ye all excited? Well until then, updates will continue to be sparse, but I promise I will update **_**Rise of the Planet of the Nine**_** and **_**My Big Fat Creepy Roommate**_** in April. At the end of May and the beginning of June I'll be spamming your inbox with updates. So without further ado, here's the long overdue update of **_**Battle of the Wings**_**.**

* * *

Battle of the Wings

Debates Are Old News

* * *

Noah finally got an interview and in matter of weeks he won the right to broadcast the political debates. He even got his own TV show, which he called _Canada's Political Nutcases_. _Canada's Political Nutcases_ gained a remarkable reception so soon enough everyone was aware of the politics the Total Drama contestants were involved in. In fact, one fan of the show called for an election. Because he was a politician, his demands became known nationwide. Under the pressure of the public, the Canadian government was dissolved.

A few weeks before the general election, Noah was decided to interview the leaders of each of the nine new political parties. Duncan, Chef, Courtney, Eva, Heather, Blaineley, Scott, Izzy and Trent were all dressed formally for the occasion, except that Duncan kept his Mohawk and piercings and Chef still had his baker's hat on.

"Alright, so here I am with the leaders of the new parties that were hastily established," Noah barked. "So ladies and gentlemen, how confident are you in terms of the upcoming elections?"

"Very!" Heather interjected. "They **will** vote for me as their queen!"

"IDIOT!" Harold butted in. "You cannot elect a queen! You can only become a queen if you marry a prince who is heir to the throne! And to do that you have to be an Anglican and expatriate to the United Kingdom! Curse your ignorance of Canada's imperial status! GOSH!"

"No one asked you Harold!" snapped Heather. "As soon as I become prime minister I will take Canada out of the British Commonwealth and" – she paused to think about what to say after remembering Noah was broadcasting this live – "set up a republic that is a direct democracy, just like Switzerland!" she lied, putting on a fake smile.

"No, don't you remember, Heather?!" Harold went on. "You've recruited ten thousand men and women to brainwash or manipulate the public into voting for you and upholding all of your policies so you can become Canada's first dictator since Canada gained Dominion Status from the United Kingdom! Do you have early Alzheimer's disease or something?! IDIOT!"

"IGNORE HIM!" Heather shouted. "HE'S LYING SO HE CAN REPLACE ME AS THE LEADER OF THE HEATHER PARTY AND CHANGE ITS NAME TO _THE HAROLD PARTY_! I ONLY ALLOWED HIM TO JOIN MY PARTY BECAUSE I FELT BAD ABOUT HIM BEING MENTALLY LOST!"

"WHAT?!" shrieked LeShawna. She emerged from the audience, marched up to Heather and seized her by the neck. "TELL ME YOU DID NOT CONVINCE HAROLD TO TAKE YOUR SIDE!" she roared.

"WHAT DO YOU CARE, SISTER THUNDER-THIGHS?!" Heather demanded. "YOU DON'T LIKE HAROLD ANYMORE!"

"OH THAT'S IT! YOU JUST DISSED THE WRONG SISTA!" snarled LeShawna, pouncing on Heather. Noah rolled his eyes and diverted his attention to Izzy.

"I know I'm going to regret asking you this, Izzy, but are you confident that The Ridiculous Democrats will stand a chance in the next general election?" Noah asked.

"Oh, Izzy doesn't worry about that at all," Izzy replied. "Izzy's going to come to power by the use of a coup d'état!"

"Yeah, I'm actually surprised this hasn't happened yet," Noah sneered. "Anyone else?"

"Oh, I have the support from all of the intelligent women out there!" Eva snarled, beckoning towards a small crowd of cheering women in pink, military-style uniforms as they burn a statue of a man in a suit.

"Does are all mentally challenged fascists!" Blaineley spat. "The Blaineley Party will win because I'm hot!"

"In your dreams, Mildred!" Scott jeered.

"Oh, and what makes you think that the Canadian National Front will prevail?!" Blaineley demanded.

"Well for one, nobody likes immigrants!" Scott barked.

"Aren't we all descendants of immigrants?" Courtney asked.

"I was referring to the Asians," Scott smirked.

"When I come to power, I'm going to divide Canada into nine states, each state into nine provinces, each province into nine counties and each county into nine parishes!" Trent smiled.

"When I come to power, I will make Canada into a republic and secure our economy from any recession!" Courtney called out.

"OH, AND ARE YOU GOING TO KILL THAT SLUT GWEN AND FORCE DUNCAN TO TAKE YOU BACK?!" a Duncney fan from the audience squealed.

"Not a chance," Courtney politely replied. "Though I am flattered by your hatred of Gwen, I've decided that victory for the Canadian Republican Platform will be a good enough revenge for me. Besides, I'm with Chris now."

Duncan rolled his eyes. "Whatever, but the Party of Democratic Revolution is going to win! We're basically the most progressive party here!"

"Unless the voters make the right choice and go for the Canadian Action Party!" Chef interjected.

"Well we're running out of time," said Noah. "We'll look further into the debate tomorrow evening! I am Noah and on behalf of the team, good evening!"

* * *

**So what did you guys think? I enjoyed writing it and I sure as hell hope that you guys enjoyed reading it. Only two or three more chapters to go and then this story is finished. But mind you, those future chapters may either make you laugh your head off, or they may freak you out; the latter of the two being the most likely possibility. So anyway it's bright outside so I'm going to enjoy the rest of the evening. I'll see you guys in my future updates.**

**Until next time!**


	4. Election Day Bedlam

**Wow, April most certainly was not my month update-wise! Well, it's better late than never, as they say, eh? Ha! Story about Canada, and I insert 'eh' at the end of my last sentence! What a riot, eh? Okay, those past three sentences were pointless. I might as well cut to the chase before my disclaimers start boring you guys more than those political debates and speeches (which is why I use Wikipedia).**

* * *

Battle of the Wings

Election Day Bedlam

* * *

All of the contestants were sitting nervously around the telly in the reception of Playa des Losers. The nine political leaders were glaring at one another. Chef and Duncan were fuming and refusing to acknowledge each other's existence. They were all dressed in suits and were ready to give a speech in the event that their party won the election. Courtney was fuming and glaring daggers at Chef and Duncan; Chris, by placing his hand on Courtney's shoulder, has managed to prevent his underage girlfriend from lunging for Duncan and Chef and tearing them to shreds. Heather was glaring at Harold and LeShawna, with the latter glaring back at her and the former picking his nose and wiping the contents against the window pane. Scott also glared at Heather, primarily because Heather was of maternal south-east Asian descent. Eva was glaring at every male in the room. Blaineley was glaring at Izzy because she knew that Izzy stole her knickers earlier that day. Izzy was glaring at the bowl of jellybeans on the coffee table nearby for reasons that you probably don't want to know. Trent was glaring at every number on the clock on the wall except for the number nine. Noah rolled his eyes at the immaturity of the political leaders in the room.

"_The results are in_!" barked Josh, one of the news anchors on the telly. "_The party which scored the least amount of votes was The Scott Party, with only 0.1% of the vote_!" Scott's jaw dropped in sheer shock.

"What?!" he growled. "Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"Nope," jeered Heather. "Looks like you won't be able to send me and the rest of my kind back 'home', or should I say, Mars?! Idiot!"

"Hey, that's where you yellow, wide-eyed c****s belong!" snarled Scott. Everyone gasped at his remarks. "What?!" he demanded.

"You may be a bigot all you want, but you will never get to be a bigot in politics!" snarled LeShawna.

"Suit yourself, but if they and the Mexicans take all of our jobs and leave you living on the streets like a k*****r, don't come bawling and roaring to me!" hissed Scott. "Oh, and don't think I'm going to go easy on you, Alejandro, you border-hopper!" he added, glaring over at Alejandro, who was fuming.

"I'll have you know that I am not Mexican!" growled Alejandro. "I'm **Spanish**! And I've never been to the United States before!" he added.

"Yeah, that's what they all say," Scott sneered, rolling his eyes.

"SEE?!" Eva bellowed. "SEE WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER HOLD OFFICE?!"

"_Just slightly ahead of The Scott Party is the Female People's Alliance, with only 1.7% of the vote_!" barked Josh. Eva's jaw dropped in sheer shock.

"WHAT?!" screeched Eva. "NO! THIS CANNOT BE! WHY ARE 98.3% OF ALL OF CANADA BEING SEXIST PIGS?!"

Bridgette had had enough. "Get over it, Eva," she snapped. Eva's eyes became bloodshot.

"YOU!" she hissed. "YOU INFLUENCED THE MENTALLY CHALENGED 48.3% OF VOTERS TO VOTE FOR A PARTY WITH A MALE LEADER DIDN'T YEAH! OUT WITH IT!"

"Don't you mean 49.3%?!" snarled Harold. "51% of voters are female! Curse your inability to fully reconcile with the demographics of the Canadian population! IDIOT!" Eva decided to lunge for Harold instead of Bridgette. LeShawna simply couldn't be arsed to stand up for Harold.

"_Coming in seventh, with only 2.2% of the vote, is The Blaineley Party_!" barked Josh, who looked very relieved as well. Blaineley's jaw dropped in sheer shock.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" protested Blaineley.

"Don't worry, Mildred," Izzy chirped. "If I swap around the 96 that didn't vote for you and you'll get 69, and that is what Izzy will do to you to cheer you up tonight!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" protested Blaineley, even louder this time.

"_Coming in sixth is The Number Nine Party, at 9%_!" barked Josh. Trent pumped his fists up into the air nine times in sheer excitement.

"YES!" beamed Trent. "I got 9% of the vote! And I out did three political parties, and three times three is nine! I've therefore been blessed by the Ninth God!" Everyone looked at Trent in sheer horror.

"_Coming in fifth is The Heather Party, at 9.2_%!" barked Josh. Heather's jaw dropped in sheer shock.

"What?!" she shrieked. "This can't be!"

"Looks like Canada still isn't ready for a chi-" Scott tried to remark, only to get cut off by Alejandro with a punch in the mouth.

"_Coming in fourth place, with 9.8%, are The Ridiculous Democrats_!" barked Josh.

"Mwahahahahahahaha!" Izzy cackled, rubbing her hands together frantically. Everyone else gave her strange looks.

"You're not worried you got just under ten percent of the vote?" Gwen wondered.

"Of course not!" Izzy happily replied. "E-scope doesn't need an election to come to power!" Gwen rolled her eyes.

"Jesus, are 32% of our voters really that crazy or stupid or bigoted or whatever?!" Chris wondered.

"Chris, most modern, civilized, democratic nations are like that," Jo pointed out. "Expect for the Nordic ones, where hardly anyone is fucked up."

"Oh, okay then," smiled Chris. "Anyway, that leaves us with 68% left, and the largest party is unlikely to have over half the vote."

"Why are you using a calculator?" asked Chef, jeering Chris.

"Shut up," Chris pouted. Courtney turned to Chef and whispered:

"Listen Chef, if Duncan's party wins, your party and my party can form a coalition."

"And work with Chris?" Chef hissed.

"What both are parties have in common is that we don't want Duncan's party to be in government," said Courtney.

"You want our country to become a republic," said Chef.

"So?" Courtney asked. "Our Monarch resides in a different country. Yes, the Governor-General signs our bills, but we need an elected head of state. And besides, when was the last time you've spoken about any loyalty to the monarch?"

Chef sighed. "Fine, but only because your party is anti-Duncan, pro-conscription and supports the legalisation of slavery. If slavery becomes legal, will you buy me a white, gay male slave?"

"Does hair colour matter?" Courtney asked.

"I don't mind," said Chef.

"_And coming up in third place is The Canadian Republican Platform, with 13.9% percent of the vote_!" barked Josh.

Courtney shrugged and smiled. "Deal!" she replied. Duncan glared at Chef, realising that even if his party did win the most votes, his party's participation in government was in jeopardy.

"_Finally, we shall now reveal the runner-up party_!" barked Josh. "_The second largest party is_" –*static* – "_with_" – *static* – "_of the vote, which means that with_" – *static* – "_of the vote_" –

The telly lost its signal. Everyone stared at the TV in utter panic.

"SO WHO WON?!" shrieked Sadie.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?!" shrieked Katie, agreeing with her BFFFL.

"How are we supposed to know?!" demanded Noah. "The fucking TV is broken."

"Maybe Izzy can fix it– hey, where's Izzy?!" Owen wondered. Everyone looked at one another in profound shock.

"Oh Allah," Noah deadpanned, as the sudden realisation dawned on everyone, "please make the new government legalise euthanasia so it can put me out of my misery."

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**Dun! Dun! Dun! So now the whole world is in danger. What's gonna happen now?**

**Oh yeah, and the opinions expressed by the characters of this fic do not reflect my own personal opinions. If anyone feels like sending me death threats, well, please remember that I can always delete your reviews if they are anonymous before they appear. You don't have a right to a reaction, you troll.**

**There is only one last chapter left, and then it's finished. Oh yeah, and once I have that fic completed, I will prioritise finishing up **_**Watch Out Girls! It's Sierra!**_** I will also commence work on the seventh chapter for **_**Total Drama: Island Renewed**_** after the 18****th**** of May. I plan on writing six chapter for this fic over the summer.**

**Until next time!**


	5. Three Years Later

**This is the final update for **_**Battle of the Wings**_**. Happy reading!**

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Battle of the Wings

Three Years Later

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First you see a barren desert. Suddenly, a vortex opens up. Three figures with two tentacles as legs and four tentacles as hands emerge from the vortex. The figure in the middle, which is the blue one, sucks the vortex into a device that looked like a bazooka. The figure in the right, which is the red one, smiles with content.

"I knew it would work," the red figure boasts. "It just goes to show what a genius I am for knowing about the physics of our universe. And what do you know? This planet has an abundant supply of carbon dioxide," he adds.

"Nobody cares," the figure on the left, which is the green one, groans. The red one narrows its eyes and gives the green figure an equivalent of flipping it the bird, of course, but with a tentacle.

"Oy, stop that you two!" the blue figure interjects. "If ye two kill or maim each other, ye will ruin this expedition. Now, how are we from our planet?"

"Millions of light-years away?" the green figure muses.

"Technically, we are only five hundred light-years away, according to my Extensive Space Travelling Meter," the red figure states, pointing at a device wrapped around his wrist which looked like a watch. "Our Extensive Space Travelling Vortex Device can only travel at a maximum speed of 120 light-years per hour, and we've been travelling for four hours and ten minutes."

"Fuck off, I don't need any of your encyclopaedia bullshit!" snarls the green figure.

"Yeah, well I don't need your whining and bawling while I shag your mother!" the red figure snarls back.

"Both of you, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" the blue figure roars. "We don't need any of them bloody rows, now cop on!" Suddenly, the the sound of a twig snapping occurs. The figures get scared; the red one jumps into the lower arms of the blue one, and the green one jumps into the red one's lap.

"Whoa, what are you guys?" asks Duncan, as he emerges from a cave, where the sound of a twig snapping occurred. His clothes were torn and he looked like he hadn't eaten in a week.

"We are the most advanced species from another planet, which we believed was the only planet in the cosmos that supported life," the blue figure explains, dropping its colleagues.

"OW!" the red and green figures yelp in unison.

"Well, it won't be long now until your planet is the only planet you know that supports life," says Chef, as he too emerges from the cave.

"Are you guys each other's spouses?" the red figure asks out of curiosity.

Chef and Duncan cringe. "God no!" Duncan splutters. "I'm straight!"

"All of the survivors have to live in this cave," Chef explains, resisting the urge to kill the three extra-terrestrials.

"Of which disaster?" the green figure asks.

"This psycho hose-beast who goes by the name of Izzy staged a coup, took over as dictator of Canada, invaded every other country on the planet and set off a nuke that wiped out nine tenths of our planet's population!" Duncan explains, rolling his eyes over the freakish events that took place over the past three years. "She's still our dictator, and if she catches you guys, she will kidnap you, shift you, then eat you alive."

"Oh," says the blue alien. "Well, we don't want to distract you guys in your quest for survival, so later!" He pulls the trigger on his device, which shoots out a vortex. The three figures jump in.

"Where are you going?!" Chef demands. "Take us with you!" But it is too late. The vortex closes into oblivion before Chef could jump in after the aliens. He sighs miserably. Duncan walks up to Chef and pats him on the shoulder.

"Relax," Duncan assures him, "Eva's in the kitchen cooking us some interns. We'll be grand."

"Well," Chef huffs, "at least Chris has enough interns to keep us going for a few decades."

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**And there you have it: **_**Battle of the Wings**_**! Sorry if the ending was a little rushed, but I was in a hurry to get this fic finished so I could update **_**My Big Fat Creepy Roommate**_**. I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it… though I also expect some readers to be having sleepless nights in fear of having terrible nightmares from reading this fic.**

**Until next time!**


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